If you don’t understand sarcasm, for your own mental and emotional safety, don’t read any farther:

You are the victim

Everyone who tells you that their life is tough is full of crap.  They’ve obviously never been in your shoes for a day.  The universe is conspiring against you and it seems that you can’t go 20 minutes without someone deliberately making your life harder than it has to be.  Throughout your life, you’ve always been the wrong height, weight, gender, ethnicity, and even when it seemed like you’ve had all of the privilege, the ensuing reverse discrimination was horrible.  And of course you don’t have any of the tools or skills necessary for success –  nobody ever gave them to you. 

Don’t forgive anyone

When someone wrongs you, don’t let them off the hook by forgiving them.  Forgiveness is the easy way out.  It’s for weak people who let others walk all over them.  When you forgive someone, you are condoning their behavior.  Screw forgive and forget.  Hold it against them for as long as you possibly can, or until they do something worse.

When in doubt, just give up

Life is hard.  Trying to accomplish things is hard.  If you want to try to accomplish something, that’s fine, just realize that it probably won’t work out.  If it doesn’t, that’s OK – stop.  People throughout history have made themselves miserable by attempting to achieve the same goal over and over.  It’s like they can’t take a hint.  They say that success is falling down 9 times and getting up 10 times.  They have obviously never fallen down 9 times.  It hurts to fall down that often, physically or metaphorically.  If you fail at something 9 times, it might be a good time to realize you can’t do it.  If you were really meant to do something, you ‘d get it right the first time.

Introspection is a waste of time

Seriously, the answers to all of your questions aren’t inside of you.  If they were, you’d already know them.  Duh!  If you have a problem, the dumbest way to find an answer to it is to sit in a room quietly or write in a journal.  To figure it out you have to go find other information, go to different places, watch Youtube videos; you know, get other people to tell you what your answers are. 

Trust is a bad idea

Really, have you meet someone who is actually trustworthy?  You can’t even trust yourself to do what you say you are going to do (like every time you swear you are going to the gym).  So how can you trust other people who are even more screwed up than you.  Trusting someone is like painting a big target on your ass and screaming “Kick me!”.  Everyone who has done well in life has been a loner because they knew that trusting others was a bad idea.

Goals don’t work

If I had a nickel for everyone I’ve met who had a goal of being rich, but was still working their ass off to pay their bills every month, well, then I would achieve my goal of being rich.  The only people who have goals are losers who have nothing to do with their life besides sit around and come up with goals.  Winners are too busy winning to have goals.  See Failure is Forever.

There isn’t enough time

24 hours is not enough to accomplish anything useful.  It’s barely enough time to get the basics in while still getting some sleep.  Oh, wait, there’s not enough time to sleep.  Modern comfort comes at a price, and you can’t expect to be a fully civilized person if you aren’t running your ass off every day.  People who have time to hang out are just lazy, or stoners, and they aren’t getting ahead in life, not like you are!

Failure is forever

The most important lesson you should have learned in school is that you have a permanent record and it’s, well, permanent.  Every failure, mistake, screw-up, and bad decision is being recorded and it will affect your chances for happiness.  So don’t screw up!  If something is in the least bit risky, don’t do it.  Any possibility of positive gains are completely overshadowed by the ramifications of potential failure.

Dwell on the past/Ignore the present moment/Worry about the future

Need I say more.