It is generally agreed that there are three main components to spoken communication: body language, voice tone, and word choice.  The first two account for most of the meaning; the actual words we use end up being just a small piece of the puzzle.  All three, though, are used by our listeners to understand what we are trying to say.  Because of this, one of the main causes of miscommunication is when the message sent by our words, tone, and body language don’t align.

This effect is compounded by the fact that our body language and tone are mostly unconscious acts.  We don’t take the time to think deliberately about the way we hold our body in the same way we might pause to think of the exact right words to say.  At the same time, the person we’re talking to is picking up those signals unconsciously as well.  People who are trained to spot liars, for example, use the unconscious cues in tone and body language to see if someone is telling the truth.  There are many layers of communication going on at the same time – and each layer may be saying something different.

These different layers can easily be seen in verbal sarcasm and the miscommunication it creates.  Sarcasm, when you examine it, is simply the deliberate mixing of signals.  A person’s words, for example, might not have the same meaning as their tone of voice.  “Yeah, it was a great time” said with a sneering tone would probably indicate that the person didn’t really enjoy themselves.  They are purposefully using contradictory signals to create a different message than their words would indicate.  Another example that most people are familiar with is someone saying they are “fine” with an obvious tone that indicates sadness or distress.

This puts a burden on the listener to translate the real meaning – should they go with the word choice or the tone?  This usually isn’t a problem with close friends and associates, but the less the two people know each other, the greater the chance that there will be a misunderstanding.  The listener has to decipher what the speaker is saying, and the more effort they have to use, the more likely they are to make a mistake.

Sarcasm is an example of deliberately mixing communication signals.  There are also many scenarios when this happens unknowingly.  An example is when body language and word choice don’t match.  This commonly happens when a person shakes their head yes or no when answering a question verbally in the opposite.  Often the direction the head nods is more indicative of their real answer.  When someone answers a question with a big “yes”, but shakes their head no, the listener often picks up on that; and they have to decide which response to act upon.

The best way to solve these inconsistencies is simply to be aware of them.  Both when speaking and listening, paying attention to areas where there might be mixed messages allows for someone to address them immediately.  If the signals aren’t consistent, they can ask for clarification. 

These are just a few examples of how the three parts of verbal communication – body language, tone of voice, and word choice – can say different things at the same time.  By paying attention to all three of these it is possible to make sure that a speaker isn’t sending out mixed signals, and it’s also possible for a listener to tell when they are picking up mixed signals.