Love Your Enemies
I'd like you to try a little experiment with me. Think about a person who annoys the heck out of you. They could come from any part of your life, from your work or your personal life. It could be a coworker, a family member, or just an acquaintance. Once you’ve picked someone, try to focus in on what rubs you the wrong way about this person. Really try to define what irks you about what they do and how they do it.
If you can think of a few people who bother you, try this with each person. What you’ll often find is that when you boil it down to basics, these people probably annoy you for the same reason. Maybe they are too picky for your taste, or negative, or rigid. You might feel they are messy or that they let people walk all over them.
Unfortunately for you, that’s not the end of the exercise. Now that you’ve identified what bothers you in others, look to see where you are exhibiting that trait in your life. It’s not always fun, but you’ll usually see that there are some strong correlations between what bothers you in others and what bothers you about yourself.
The people around us can act as a mirror for us, allowing us to see different behaviors and attitudes in a detached setting. Often the behaviors that rankle us are ones that we fear will come out in us, if they haven’t already. For example, if you are contemptuous of people with low self-esteem, there are probably some confidence issues that you are wrestling with internally.
This knowledge can be very powerful for a number of reasons. First of all, when someone really ticks you off, you can use it as an opportunity for self-examination. What about them is causing you to react negatively, and what does it say about you? It allows you to see areas where you have the opportunity to grow as a person. Even more importantly, once you’ve realized that the other person is just highlighting some of your own fears and dislikes about yourself, you can choose to be more patient and understanding, both with them and with yourself.
So now, instead of hating your enemies, you can be grateful to them for shedding light on your own growth.
I can think of two instances where this theory rings true. But the theory begs the question how do we become more patient with our enemies and ourselves?
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That's a great question. I think that a lot of patience stems from having an understanding of the motives behind another's behavior and actions. So if someone is annoying you because they don't make decisions as quickly as you think they should, you can look at why you don't always make decisions quickly. It's the same principal behind that adage about not understanding someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. You realize that in many ways, we wear shoes that are pretty similar already.
Another way to develop patience with others is to focus on creating patience with ourselves. I don't think we can be more patient with other people until we are truly internally kind to ourselves. Using the above method to distinguish what we don't like about ourselves, and then spending the time and energy to understand and forgive ourselves, is the first step to having that patience with our enemies.
I'm also totally open to any other ideas about developing patience that others might have.
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